i want to share with you how i feel, but i can’t.

and this happens a lot.

i keep my emotions bottled up inside. there are so many thoughts going through my head right now. and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish one from another.

i’ve come to realize that half the time people don’t truly know how i feel because i hide it. and it hurts that i have to hide it, but i don’t want people to think less of me when i’m unhappy. i don’t want people to feel sorry for me. i hate that.

i don’t want people to talk about me in a negative way. i don’t want people to worry about me.

do you truly know when something is wrong? i hope not. becuase i don’t want you to know. but it hurts. i want to share how i feel with you, but i don’t want to become a topic of gossip and high school drama.

so i put on a happy appearance and continue my day. but i’m not always happy. inside i’m cracking.

i just want you to listen. sometimes i need a reminder that you still care about me. and i don’t know why, but recently, i’ve been needing to be reminded more often. and it’s hard to put so much into something and feel like i’m getting nothing back. if i ran away would you come looking for me? do you care enough to call me back after i hang up sad, on the verge of tears?

i’ll help you when you are troubled. i WANT to help you. i WANT to be there for you. all of you.

and it’s strange. helping you makes me feel like i matter to you. like you’ve come to me for help because you trust me for advice. and it’s rewarding. and through helping you i realize that no one’s life is perfect. and i can relate to you. and when i find you happy again, i feel like i’m happy too.

most of the time, i swim off my emotions. being in the water is the greatest feeling. it’s refreshing and relaxing. i love the fact that after a long day, i can beat up the water, and it doesn’t mind. but i havn’t been swimming much these last two weeks. and i feel sick. i feel so emotional. and so sensitive.

the water’s not selfish. that’s what i love about it the most. sometimes i feel like i give so much and get nothing back. maybe it’s just me. maybe no one else sees it.

i saw a bumper sticker the other day. it said “love heals.” prove that to me. i hope i’ve proven it to you.

RAVE// dyed my hair back to black. fun.

RANT// i want to go to the aquarium!