there’s something about college…

that depresses me.

 

junior year was stressful. the SATs, AP classes, and all my activities competing for time. all school year i looked forward to summer. looked forward to stress free mornings, afternoons, and evenings. i looked forward to no more homework, no more quizzes, no more AP tests looming over my head. i looked forward to spending time with danny,  my family, and my friends.

 

sometimes i would be so stressed i would find myself, not myself. but somewhere between the lack of sleep, the intense stress, and the happiness and good times shared with others on the weekend, i made it. i finally made it.

 

for awhile i felt carefree, relived to have finally made it to summer.  cleaning my house helped me unwind. mexico and CADA were great escapes. hanging out with danny, my family, and my friends gave me temporary happiness.  but i can’t help realizing that the stress is back. i feel discouraged.

 

i started high school with such high goals, and sometimes i feel as if i’ve failed. i havn’t even begun my applications yet and already a new wave of stress and in turn depression about college and my future is returning.

 

i’ll be myself for awhile, and then at some point, it’ll hit me.  sometimes it’s a lecture that triggers it, sometimes i’ll just be talking with someone. i feel as if i need to apologize to the world for not being myself sometimes.

 

i don’t even know if it is really college. maybe it is future itself. maybe i’m scared of the future. scared of the unknown. scared because i still don’t know what i want to do when i get older. scared because i feel like i’m lost and going to get left behind. alone.

RAVE// i got a pink iPod mini! i’m excited.

RANT// SATs. be over.