National PTA Convention

for the last three days, i’ve been at the anaheim convention center for the national PTA convention and exhibition. surprisingly, it was actually a lot more fun than i thought it was going to be. i got to know some of the members of our PTSA a lot better, hung out with danny for three days straight, and we got tons of free stuff. 🙂

i took a few pictures.

i’m feeling depressed.

it’s this sinking feeling that i wake up with every once in awhile. i’m not even really sure why i’m unhappy. maybe there are lots of reasons or maybe there is just one, but i can’t really pinpoint it. all i know is that i’ve been waking up feeling this more and more.

i feel like i’m not accomplishing anything. i waste so much time. for example right now, i could be studying or doing something else much more productive. sometimes i think of time so obsessively that it scares me. there is so much i need to do this summer, but i’m so overwhelmed that i can’t even do ONE.

i feel like i’m losing my friends. sure, i’m busy this summer. okay, so i hangout with danny a lot, but i WANT to hangout with you too. i feel like they assume that i’m not available. when really, i am. they don’t even take the time to call me when a group of them are going out. i feel pushed away. rejected. maybe they don’t even WANT to hangout with me anymore. i feel like i’ve been hiding this feeling for awhile. pushing the idea away. hoping, maybe they will call me next time. realizing that if i tell them this, they’re going to pity me. i hate pity. it makes me sick. but i’m being honest because hiding my emotions is eating me up inside.

my room is a mess. most of the time, my room reflects how i’m feeling inside. during AP time, my room was an absolute mess. corners of the room organized in piles by subject with stacks of books beside them. pens, pencils everywhere. my room irritated me so much that i couldn’t even study in it. i started cleaning my house this summer. like big time cleaning, not organizing it, but throwing away things that have been boxed away for years that have never been used or even thought of being used. but i’ve stopped. i feel discouraged. i keep throwing away stuff, but still, there is so much left.

maybe if i finish cleaning my room, maybe if i begin doing summerwork little by little, maybe if i hangout with my friends again… just maybe i’ll be happy.