random nonsense

blah. mm. yeah. i’m kind of in one of those silent moods where i don’t feel like talking to other people. you know those times when you just feel like spending serious “me time”? where you are perfectly content sitting alone in your room thinking. thinking about what. i don’t know. but my brain has a mind of it’s own. and right now, i’m perfectly content just thinking.

i think everything has finally hit me.

reality.

what am i doing with my life? i need balance. sometimes i feel like i’m constantly juggling what i want to do and what i should be doing. what i want to do? i want to go out with my friends. i want to get a good night’s sleep for once. i want to live life to the fullest. but what should i be doing? i should be practicing flute more. i should stop skipping swim practice. i should be finishing my homework earlier instead of going online. i should be studying for the SATs, SATIIs, and AP tests.

but what the heck. why? why does everything have to matter right now? isn’t there life after high school? if you screw up now.. are u screwed forever?

and now that i think about it, the truth is, there IS life after high school. so what if you get a B? so what if you doing get that 1500 on the SAT? are people really going to care say.. ten years from now? what about five? not really. yeah. that’s what i thought.

but back to balance. i need balance. i feel like my scale is tipping over. i feel like i’m not motivated anymore. so i go out more. so i stay up super late every night finishing my homework which i probably could have finished tons earlier if i hadn’t been messing with my stereo, talking on AIM, on the phone, or just wasting my time eating or something. i waste too much time. i go out a lot during the weekends to get away from school, and then when the weekdays hit, i just trudge through school, not really caring, until i get to friday. and then i continue my disgusting cycle. i need to re-organize my life. prioritize.

but these are things my mom tells me every week. i know she’s right too, but i just don’t feel like listening. i think i just hate being told what to do. goodness. what’s wrong with me? and now i can’t shut up.

with swim season starting, with the solo-ensemble festival coming up, with all these new SAT II classes (six hours a week), where the heck am i going to have time to waste? to do nothing? sometimes i like being bored. sometimes, i like being alone. sometimes i like just sitting at home doing nothing.

sigh.

what a nice confused train of thoughts.

RAVE// watched part of office space today. really funny. i’m so finishing it once i get the chance.

RANT// SAT II classes start tomorrow. five hours.